Marking Time

I can’t believe that this time last year I already had a tumor growing inside my chest. It is now 8 months since I starting looking for an answer to why I felt like crap and just over 6 months since my official diagnosis of lymphoma. So much can happen in a year it is mind blowing. I cried when I thought about it. I’m not sad by any means but amazed at how much my life has changed, let alone my look. It is surreal still, almost shocking.

How can these photos possibly be me? I’m not certain I know the woman in those photos. Yet, there is no doubt that I know her all too well. I’m not in denial. I know all too well that I have cancer. Every time I take a deep breath I feel what is left of the tumor. Every time I look in the mirror I’m not yet comfortable with the woman looking back. Only when I look inward do I see the Lori that I know. She is very much there, showing her strength and learning so much. I am proud of her.

I used to mark my life by events like buying my house and starting my own business. To think I thought quitting my job was the scariest thing ever. That is now quite laughable. My new life markers will be things like the first time I will use a brush on my new hair and the first time the doctors will say the word “remission” with me in the room. Someday they may even officially say “NED” (No Evidence of Disease). However, don’t think for one minute I will remember my life through only cancer related events. No, that would not be like me at all.

Determination is my trademark and I am determined to turn this experience into something really positive. It already has been. I’ve made some great new friends and have learned how truly wonderful people can be. I’ve gained a new perspective on what is important and see even greater beauty in all things. Now, I am starting to be well enough to make plans. I can already see the paintings I will create and new directions for my business. Volunteer work and a master’s degree are also in my future. My personal life is looking up as well. I have enough energy now to feel excitement. These things will be the subjects of my future blog posts. I look forward to them.

If you have a moment please visit my friend Liz’s blog site. She finished radiation almost a week after I did. She rocks. (I’m two weeks out of treatment.) She is far more eloquent than yours truly. Also, if you did not get the opportunity to see the special on Living with Cancer, hosted by Ted Koppel, I recommend viewing it when it is shown again. If you are not familiar with Leroy Sievers take some time read about him as well. Even before you met me I’m sadly certain you were touched by cancer. If you get nothing else from all of us get this one thing. Make each day special because it is.

Ripening Fruits

"Ripening Fruits", 24"x30" oil on canvas, is finally done. This piece pays homage to all things new and sweet that are yet to see their finest hour. Canine Partners for Life will be holding their annual wine auction on December 1st and this painting will be featured as the main event. Signed prints will be available so please contact me if you are interested in either bidding on the original or purchasing a print.

I do not post much about my battle with lymphoma (lower case letters because it doesn't deserve more than that) because I'm always torn between posting business and personal information. However, as an artist it is hard to separate the two. Everything I paint, if it is to be successful, must come from the heart. Otherwise you could grab a camera and take your own pictures. There would be no need for me. Though I try very hard to continue on with my life in the most normal of fashions, cancer has colored everything. Some things like the smell of the rain coming down now are made more beautiful by this evil. Other things like planning my future are made far more difficult. Though I'm quite certain I have a beautiful life ahead of me I realize plans are only ideas that suck up precious time.

I am so thankful to all of you who continue to support me and hold my hand through this journey. I just learned that another week of radiation has been added to my treatment. I "planned" on radiation being quick, easy and painless. What a silly plan that was. However, no experience is ever all negative and I promise you I've had some good laughs even through this. Besides, why would I want to stop going to radiation when I can sit across from the man every day who's hospital gown reveals all his "stuff". Radiation...a few thousand dollars a treatment. Seeing an senior citizen's "package"...priceless.

Still Working on the CPL Wine Auction Painting

I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Nope. I've been very busy working on the painting for the Canine Partners for Life wine auction. I still have about a week's worth of work to do on it. The background is only in the beginning stages and the puppies still have rough edges. It is a large canvas and is 24"x30". Basically my life is about painting puppies and trying to rest. Spring is here so hopefully thing will get more interesting.

I would like to invite you to read an article I found the other day while searching for information on lymphoma. It is written by someone with TMJ but it is relevant to any battle against any disease. Many have asked where I have been and how I am feeling. On a clinical note I am about to start radiation and that will last for about 5 weeks. On a personal note, this article says it better than I could. Why reinvent the wheel?

Dog Portrait - Kujo

Kujo is in the house. This is a little portrait of my friend Susan's dog that she commissioned me to do for her sweetie. I think this pup is such a handsome guy. The sun is shining so brightly outside I couldn't photograph the drawing so I had to scan it. Unfortunately the scan doesn't do it justice. However, I'd pick a beautiful day over photographing art anytime. Hope the sun is shining where you live!

What the Hell Is This?

Don't you see a magnificent painting happening here? You think I'm nuts? That's beside the point. What you see here is the development stages of my painting for Canine Partners for Life's wine auction. I've decided to paint larger than usual and went for a 24x30 inch canvas. The image will be new born pups nestled in grape vines. I have the drawing of the 15 lab pups all sleeping together finished. I cut out one pup from my sketch to show you here. Then my dear friend Denise helped me create imaginary puppies out of socks and polar fleece and surrounded them with craft store foliage. (That was her brilliant idea. She's a witty one.) We only needed a few grapes and leaves and just moved them around the "pups" and photographed them so that I could paste it all together in Photoshop. Now I will take this picture, along with some photo reference of some juicy grapes and an old painting I did of grapes and leaves in college and create a beautiful stylized drawing around my finished drawing of the pups. When that is complete next week I will go for the canvas! I can't wait.

At the same time I am also working on a commission of a dog portrait. The dog's name is Kujo. I will share that as that gets closer to finish. Also on the easel is my second self portrait that is in the drawing stages. If you would like to see a photo of the first one finished, email me and I will be happy to share it with you.

Stay warm and dry on this rather nasty Valentine's Day. I'm just warming up after having lost power for a few hours. Poor Gracie was getting cold!

A Few Words on Barbaro

It is certainly sad news to hear that Barbaro, who had brought so much hope and joy to the racing world, had to suffer so much, only to be euthanized in the end. He was a horse full of power and class. Few are of that caliber and we as humans just thrive on that type of energy.

I would like to comment on a few negative things I heard in the media. First, there is the belief that the effort to save this horse was purely for the money that his offspring might bring in breeding. If you know anything about horse racing you know that only live semen is acceptable. A horse with this type of injury would never be able to "perform" that type of duty. Sure his owners and caregivers could have hope but the odds of that were slim to none. Second, there have been comments that racing in general is cruel. Again, if you have ever worked around the majestic thoroughbred, you would know that these animals were meant to run. Stand next to one that has been brought to the race track for racing and it is like watching a boxer getting ready to go into the ring. There is nothing like it. Just as in every sport, there is ugliness in horse racing. Man has tried to chemically improve on every sort of athlete from baseball players, cyclists to race horses. That is sad but the sport of kings should not be held responsible for this behavior alone. Lastly, I have seen mention that horses should just be left to be horses. Do these people mean to say that horses should be left in the wild? If so, don't they realize there is pain there as well from starvation, untreated injuries, being hunted or worse yet being hit by lightening. Man has domesticated this animal and needs to take care of his charge. I was not for the surgery on Barbaro because I knew the slim chance this horse had. However, I have great hopes that much was learned in the process and that many other horses will benefit from his 8 month struggle to live.

My eBay auction for an 8x10 pet portrait ends this evening. Please check it out and bid. This would make a great Valentine's Day gift for your pet lover.

A quick note to my friends and family to thank them on their well wishes concerning my last treatment. You all made the process so much easier with your kind words and prayers. Thank you all.

Gracie's Face and Ebay Offer

Everyone always asks me if I have any paintings of my Gracie. Nope. The shoemaker's kids have no shoes. I did do this little sketch of her today out of guilt. Actually I drew her face out of love. She's been such a good girl these days I couldn't imagine being without her. Don't ask me how I felt about her a few months ago.

I haven't had an Ebay auction in a long time. Well, as of 8pm these evening that will change. For the first time ever I will make an exclusive offer on Ebay. I am auctioning a custom graphite pet portrait, 8"x10" with mat on archival paper, for the very low starting bid of $99. This size and price is only available on Ebay and not from my main site. I do not plan to auction a portrait at this special price often. So, now is a unique opportunity to commission me to create a lasting memory of your beloved pet. Tell your friends and family and bid, bid, bid!

Puppy Attitude

If you have loved a pet you know the look. Your pet takes something of yours and refuses to return it to you all the while giving you "that look". The "you can have it and I dare you to take it" look. I'm playing around with ideas for the painting I'm doing for CPL and their wine auction. I'm required to use an image of a Labrador Retriever. This is from an image my dear artist friend Terri Amig sent me. If you have any photos of true Labrador Retriever dogs or puppies that I might be able to use, there is a free print of the finished work in it for you!

I have a bit of nonsense for a moment to share. Since I've had more time for evil television lately I've become addicted to cooking shows. I just have one question. Who is this Giada chick? Darn she is pretty. Wasn't Rachael Ray cute enough? C'mon guys, if we eat the food these beautiful ladies cook we would all end up looking like Paula Deen(bless her). These girls spit that food out into a bag when we aren't looking. Also, where are all the hot studs cooking? Mario Batali? I think not. Bobby Flay...ech. I'm outraged. I can't wait until I can stop subscribing to cable again. This is just too much to take. Now where is my EVOO?

Oh, one last thing, yes this sketch was dated with tomorrow's date. Oops. They call it "chemo-brain". I think I wasn't all there to begin with.

Deb Lynam...are you happy I posted again?

Can You Smell the Puppy Breath?

Melanie from Canine Partners for Life emailed me a picture of BeeLee, photographed in October, who is now a 7 month old lab puppy. I just had to take a few moments to do a little pen sketch of him. Don't you just love a puppy? They have such warm bellies and that sweet puppy breath that later turns into doggie breath of death. It did this heart good to think of their goodness for a bit so I thought I would share.

Chanukah T'was for the Dogs

I'm a little late for posting a Chanukah image. So sue me. I sketched this quickly in my new Moleskine sketchbook. I've decided only to allow images created from my imagination and not those from observation in this book. I have other sketchbooks for those. Yes, the inspiration for this doodle was from a photo but it that is where the need for the photo stopped. I want to thank Li at WetCanvas for this one. She creates gorgeous silk art as well as paintings and has a great heart. Thanks Li.

Funny, I started this blog just about this time last year. I can't believe that New Years Eve is almost here again. It will be a wash for me since I have chemo on Friday but thoughts of 2007 still fill my head. I was thinking about resolutions and such and had to laugh at my first thought. "I resolve not to get any form of cancer ever again!" How's that? I actually might have more luck with that than a resolution about diets. Sigh.

HAVE A HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Wishing You Peace

The holidays fast approach. For those of us who are Jewish they are already here. I wanted to take a moment to wish everyone Happy Holidays and most of all Peace. This is a page out of my new Moleskine sketchbook thanks to Nance and Joyce at 4Tails. This is just an image from my heart. I am lucky for I truly feel quite at peace and I wish the same to all of you.

I also want to thank all the folks at my gym. There was a birthday card waiting for me today signed by all the other gym rats. I was so touched I almost fell off my treadmill (how is that different than any other day I wonder). A big thank you goes out to the folks at WetCanvas as well. You ladies know who you are. Thanks Li for never forgetting about me. Also a shout out goes to my friend G at U of P. He is making sure that I remain strong on a cellular level. Nutrition and fitness are everything people (this being typed with a sugar cookie in my hand). Also Trac and Jen, you ladies rock.

I mention all of these "thank you's" because I often don't realize how many people care about me. One thing that I've learned is that one doesn't have to do anything big to make a difference. Everything that we do and say is like dropplets of water in a pond. The ripples go out far and wide. Don't gag here, I'm quite seriouse. This may be one of the most important things I've ever learned.

Happy Chanukah...Merry Christmas...Peace and Happiness to All!

Having a No Hair Day

Ok, so you say you're having a bad hair day huh? I guess I got you beat! Ha! Seriously, I am doing well and enjoying getting back to a level of some normalcy. My plan was to spend the afternoon painting but I think I did too much yesterday and this morning so I'm going to relax the rest of this day. I'm very excited that I've been able to paint a little (this installment shows the glazing I've done) and get back to the gym. Well, I'm not doing kick boxing or pumping iron but the treadmill is my friend again and it is good to hang with the other gym rats.

I'm proud to announce that I've been chosen as next year's artist for Canine Partners for Life's 10th Anniversary Wine Auction. You can check out the artist's work for this year here. I consider it an honor and I can't wait to start on my own version of a Labrador. Warm fuzzy puppies maybe? Signed prints will be offered from this piece so I want it to be something that just tugs at your heart and is beautifully rendered. I will also donate a portion of the proceeds of my own sales to CPL. I'm really pumped to get started.

Gracie is having her other knee operated on tomorrow morning. Poor little pittie. She and I will convalesce together since my next chemotherapy is scheduled for December 12th, my 37th birthday. Oh heck, I guess I blew the lie I was telling that I was 29...again. What do you mean you never believed that tale anyway?

Sinead O'Levin

Spent some time in the studio today. This is the beginning of my self portrait, Sinead O'Levin. With energy low, I was only able to complete the sketch but was thankful to be painting at all. This is a 16"x20" oil on canvas. There is absolutely no significance to the red paint mixed with the charcoal used for drawing. I usually start in red because I just darn feel like it. In college they usually had you start in umbers or siennas. I use red because I can. My plan for this piece is to knock it out with big brush strokes and no fussing around in one day. I hope to do that one day next week when I come back to the studio. It takes a while to warm up when you aren't painting everyday so it might take me two days to complete. This isn't about creating a masterpiece. It is just about the act of putting paint on the canvas. That simple.

Being that I now look like the Taco Bell dog, all skin and eyes, I find showering very unfulfilling. When one does not have any hair to shampoo or shave there isn't much to do in the shower. I've now taken to the habit of buffing my feet and elbows. So much so I think I'm wearing off the skin in those areas. However, don't think I get ready any faster in the morning. Oh no! Now I painstakingly apply very smokey looking eye makeup to make up for the missing hair.

Speaking of hair, I bought a blonde wig. Yup, her name is Pamela. I'm much more fond of the scarf but it seems other folks feel more comfortable with the wig. I think it helps them relax. So, in certain situations you just might see Pamela out and about. Keep your eyes open for that because she really doesn't get out much.

I want to send a special thanks out to Joe P. from www.photojoe.com . He is an unbelievable photographer and just a heck of a nice guy. Check out his site and enjoy the music there too. Ooh, don't forget his blog because it is always worth reading.

One last thing is my playlist for painting. Check out or download Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" and "Beautiful", India Arie's "I Am Not My Hair" and "This Too Shall Pass" and finally Melissa Etheridge's "I Run for Life". It really goes with the painting!

Thanksgiving in Silk Pajamas

Hey you can’t beat that right? My family is coming to the house to prepare everything and all I have to do is show up in my best silk pajamas. Talk about service. I will wear a hat or scarf though so as not to shed on their mashed potatoes! I’m quite thoughtful like that.

I am so thankful for so many things this year. I’m alive and doing great. I’ve been given the opportunity to see life with a new and healthier perspective. I have new goals and dreams. I look good in a hat. Chemo treatments get easier. Did I mention I look good in a hat? I’ve had the opportunity to spend time with my mother in a way that I will remember forever. I have so many friends and family that love me and I never feel alone. Ever. I am so very blessed. I guess I am thankful for everything.

My next chemo treatment is on my birthday, December 12th. How fitting. I think I will have a t-shirt made saying “Bald Women Do It Better”. I will stuff my bra and parade around the oncology floor until I get a laugh. Try me. I have to admit I stole that idea with pride. Maybe I’ll bring a camera to prove to you that I did it.

So, I wish all of you the best on this holiday. Enjoy those around you. I know these times can be hectic but try to take a deep breath and remember the alternative.

Thank you everyone for your kind emails and phone calls. Nancy at the Harem in Carney’s Point, thank you for cutting my hair and taking care of my tears. Go to her if you need a good style…she rocks! Thank you Jen for checking up on me…and Trac and Kleo. Thanks everyone. Oh…maybe in a bit, my next post will have art! I can’t wait.

Happy Thanksgiving.

xo

Even Cancer Doesn't Make Me Skinny

I'm a medical mystery. What else is new?! How can anyone with a tumor the size of two babies heads in them not lose weight is what the doctors want to know. Well, they never met a Levin. I just had to throw in a little humor for all of you who send me such lovely emails and gifts. I have so many great folks to thank it might take my entire recovery to get it done. Really, thank you everyone for so much support and positive thoughts. It is working.

While I am staying with my mother and eating her out of house and home thanks to Prednisone (an evil drug that I am loving at the moment), I do have access to email. I have a dial-up connection of 26.4 kbps! Woo hoo! I do not have any of my email addresses with me. So, I ask everyone to please email me so I can hit "reply" and to please not send photos until my prehistoric computer connection changes. This should be for about 3 weeks or so. I'm just thrilled to be connected.

Many have asked me the details of my lymphoma. I found a website that explains it pretty well so I am sharing the link with you. http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/Cancertype/Lymphomanon-Hodgkins/TypesofNHL/MediastinallargeB-cell I'm Stage II with an approximately 15 centimeter mediastinal large B-cell lymphoma. If you are going to get a cancer this is a good one to get because they can probably get rid of it. I will go through 6 courses of CHOP-R chemo and then radiation in February. My second dose is supposed to be the day before Thanksgiving. I think the holiday has new meaning for me now. I am so excited that my family will be with me for that day.

Thank you again everyone for your thoughts and prayers. They work and I am thankful. More updates in a few days.

xo

Lori

PS Please excuse typos...spell check is not working on Blogger for me today. :) Neither is my brain.

Normally on my blog I try not to get too personal. Often I fall from that mark because I feel sometimes it is good to share and it gives people an idea about what drives my art. Right now I am going to share my most personal entry yet.

I have been ill for some time as some can see by the lack of art posts. Recently I have been hospitalized and have been diagnosed with Lymphoma. This is a very curable form and as soon as my tumor shrinks and puts me out of risk I can continue my chemo treatments at home. My art will then take a new turn for me I believe and I will focus on self portraits for a while. I feel I need something cathartic and extremely self indulgent. It will be about healing.

I write this because I have so many cyber friends that I know will pray for me. I belive in all kinds of prayer and positive thoughts. I ask now for everyone just to visualize this big ugly tumor shrinking by leaps and bounds so I can go "home" and stay with my mother for a while and be close to the people I love. I am so very blessed to have the best family in the world and friends that have not let me down. This is not a time to be sad but a time to be strong. I need laughter and tough people by my side. If you know me you know I'm stubborn and not easily beaten.

Don't worry, I will be fine and better for it. I do believe everything we go through has a reason. I don't know what that is right now but time will tell. So "think shrink" for me so I can get those healing brushes in my hands.

Love to my family and friends.

Lori

Always Take a Second Look

The leaves are turning and the cool breezes are starting to turn into chilly winds. I love this time of year. However, I thought I would give you one last fleeting glimpse of the summer we left behind. I try to have my camera at the ready at all times and on this day I was lucky enough to have done so. I was going to a restaurant with a friend when I saw this cute boy fishing. At first I just wanted to photograph him but then I took a second look and got the joke. This was a good reminder to always take the time to really observe what is around us. A good laugh is always around the corner.

I know, you are wondering where the art is. It is coming I promise. Gracie and I are quite tired of convalescing and are on the road to recovery. In 6 weeks she will have her second surgery so I better get healthy soon! It is good to just be in the studio.

Until then I thought I would list some blogs that I enjoy. If you visit, tell them Lori sent you.

http://www.wuli.com/
This is my friend Carl's site. He is an artist among other other things and is good at ranting!

http://jenzstudio.blogspot.com/
My internet buddy Jen is a fellow dog lover and queen of Greyhound art as well as any other 4-legged creature.

http://piscesplace.blogspot.com/
Kleo is in California and posts a lot of neat stuff about Vegetarianism and Judaism. Good stuff.

http://runswithdog.blogspot.com/
Trac is a runner, a vegan and Greyhound lover...what more is there to say?

http://greywarenart.blogspot.com/
Maggie is an incredible artist, cat lover and sells big on eBay. Her work rocks.

http://www.deniseerickson.com/
Not a blog but an incredible artist and friend. Her work is unique and mezmerizing. Oh...did I mention what an animal lover she is?

http://www.veltridesign.blogspot.com/
Nancy is just the most talented designer and an animal lover and a vegetarian. Can you see the theme here?

http://www.4tails.blogspot.com/
Need a company logo, website, business cards or overall company image...visit here!

Gracie Update and Thanks

Thank you everyone for your care and concern. It means so much.

Gracie is doing much better. Her regular personality has returned. Her leg is healing nicely and the staples will be removed in a few days. She did end up tearing the other ACL as I had feared but the vet said her ligaments were just bad and better to catch them both early on. Lord knows we all have our defects. The good news is that in 6 weeks we can operate on the other one before there is joint damage and she should be set for some years of good running miles. Something we both miss very much.

I also wanted to thank you guys for the healing wishes on my shoulder. Turns out I don't have any of the problems mentioned in the previous post but there was something wrong. I've learned a great lesson in all of this. Something I should have known but I never seem to learn. We should always trust ourselves to know when something is not right with our bodies and keep searching for answers if the ones given don't seem to jive. We are meant to be productive creatures and when our normal routines become difficult it is a red flag. I always tend to blame myself when I am not accomplishing anything and I start to throw around the word lazy. I go to the source I think is responsible which is me. I was wrong. There are times that instead of looking inward we must look outward for explanations and help. Someday I'll get this right. The moment I do get it right I think I will live a much more relaxed and happy life. So this New Year truly has brought changes for me. I may not like the package they have come in but I appreciate the lesson all the same.

So hang in there my friends. New and exciting art will be back in a few weeks. The canvases are calling and now I can hear them!

Cruciate Ligament Surgery Photos

Ouch.

Have a Little Pity for the Pittie

Thank you everyone for your emails of concern for Gracie. I thought I would post an update on her condition so you would know exactly what is going on. Will post pictures of her leg tomorrow...Blogger is being a pain.

She had surgery 3 days ago and today seems to be the worst of it. Anyone that has ever had surgery knows that day #3 is always the ugliest and most painful. It isn't any different for my viscous pit-bull. She does not want to eat or walk today. She doesn't want to put weight on the good leg today. I guess that is because the muscles are so tired from carrying the extra load. The surgery required the removal of the torn cruciate ligament and then drilling of a hole in the bone so that a nylon replacement could be looped through to hold the joint in place. The leg requires 15 minutes of icing 3 times a day as well as range of motion exercises for 1 week. She must stay on a leash and be monitored and kept quiet (though today that is not an issue) for some time. In two weeks she will have her stitches removed and be allowed to walk to the neighbors house and back 5 times a day. Each week there are more rehabilitation exercises added to her day. She will not be allowed to go back to school for at least 6 weeks. I will need to start drinking more within about a week of this and should develop my alcoholism within a month. Did I mention in all of this I also have been visiting the doctor for bicipital tendonitis and possilbe tears in my left rotator cuff (the pain of it prevents me from sleeping)? The EMG test was really fun yesterday. Not. I have not slept more than 4 hours a night in 3 weeks. I was supposed to fly out to New Mexico this Friday for a trip to ignite my artistic mind. Instead I will probably go to shul to keep myself from downing a bottle of tequila by myself that night. Wouldn't want to be hung over whilst performing Gracie's exercises! LOL!

Seriously, that tight shot of Gracie's mug just breaks my heart. She looks like she is suffering. Oh my poor furry baby. If I get some sleep I think all this will be funny in the morning. If not there is always tequila. Don't worry, I won't eat the worm...you know how I feel about animal products!