Commitment

So many thoughts race through my mind at the moment it is quite difficult to put them into a coherent blog entry. Since I've been back in New Jersey, I have been totally focused and consumed by my painting. I'm rather tired from my trip, yet for the first time in my life, that hasn't compromised my ability to work. Every moment spent away from the easel I'm thinking of it and planning. As I do my morning run I am composing new paintings and figuring out how to best execute them. I've even planned to go to the art supply store on my way to my nephew's graduation party today to buy a much smaller sketch. I will keep on hand at all times to jot down ideas and to do thumbnails. In some sense I almost feel as I've gone mad and yet I also feel that this is how I've dreamed of feeling for as long as I can remember. I always wanted to be the artist that was living to work and now I see that as becoming my reality.

About a year ago I left my corporate job as a flooring designer to pursue my art. It was the greatest leap of faith that I've ever taken. Frankly, the first 6 months were torture. Every morning I woke with the thought that I had made a huge mistake. The devil's advocate in my brain kept telling me I was not disciplined, talented or imaginative enough to make it as an artist. However, as time went by and I had continued support from absolutely everyone, I realized I truly was my own worst enemy, as my mother had told me my entire life. (She doesn't read this so please don't tell her I said she was right.) I made my own mediocre reality. I never fully committed my heart to believing that as an artist I had a place in this world. Sure, I gave up the money and security and played very much the part of the artist but I didn't feel it deeply. Financial risk was easy, emotional risk was insanity. It is clear to me now that I must completely surrender to my art and pour my heart out in it. There is a chance that the work will be absolute crap and laughed out of every gallery. There is also a chance that it will be the greatest thing I've ever done for myself and everyone will be witness to it.

I write this rather personal entry for you to read so that you understand what it takes to be an artist. It isn't just about making pleasing images. Also, as part of my new outlook, I may be making fewer entries at times when my focus is greatest. Don't forget to subscribe to my blog(see the Squeet button to the right) so that you don't have to bother checking for updates.

This piece that I started before I left for England will take me many weeks to complete and will be explained more in future entries. I am starting a new series of works that will be using a different process than previous paintings. I will be painting in grey scales in the beginning for better structure, now that it has become more complex. Once all of the values are worked out and carry the eye throughout the work I will add glazes of color and areas of thick paint. In some cases I might even take the piece towards the realm of abstraction. For the first time in my artistic career it is about the process and not the finished product. I feel this will make my work not just good but great. I've been good at many things in my life, just never great. That is a result of weak commitment. That was then and this is now.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!