Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Worn Through

Elsinboro by Levin"Worn Through"
18"x24"
acrylic on canvas

Back in 2005 I went for a stroll in Elsinboro Beach , Salem County. It is a strange place of beauty that is somewhat overshadowed by the nuclear plant lurking in the distance. I feel a certain pull to go there as I find an interesting juxtaposition between what is natural and what man has created. While walking along the beach that day I saw this little hole in the built up sand that the water had worn a path through. Rocks were perfectly lined up to direct the eye to this little natural bridge of sorts. It begged one to look at what was on the other side. I photographed it and did a tiny oil sketch of it in hopes of doing a larger piece later.

Last week after I received the news that perhaps the lymphoma beast was back, I pulled out that little sketch. I was full of anger, frustration and frankly rage. I felt just like that little hole in the earth so tread upon, so very worn. I feared I had nothing left to give to this cancer project. For the first time in this process I was terrified to be hopeful. Taking it out on the painting was the only thing I could think to do. At times it was just too painful to continue as I abstracted this image into something that was beyond just an opening in the earth.

As I look at it now I realize that despite my feeling of despair the colors are vibrant and there is a ton of energy in the piece. One cannot feel true anger at something that doesn't matter so for me the fight still obviously had meaning. Once I saw what was before me I was at peace with whatever fate dealt me. I realized I was not as worn through as I thought.

Being a very blessed individual, once again I was given a reprieve. The report came in today that my new scan shows less cellular activity than back in February. This means that it is the highest likelihood that what shows now on the screen is scar tissue and not active tumor. If my next test in 8-12 weeks shows the same or better information the word "remission" will finally be used. Another high possiblity is "cure" but that won't be mentioned for quite a few more years. I do believe now that I will hear that word as well.

I feel like I've won the lottery. I have my friends and family who stood by me every step of the way to thank for strength to keep moving forward.

Thank you everyone for your prayers. As you can see they worked.

2 comments:

KleoPatra said...

i am thrilled for you... and this painting is stunning, definitely filled with light and hope and vibrancy.

To get such a high-energy feel in this painting at a time of sadness... that says something (A LOT) about you.

Tehillim isn't for everybody but it certainly doesn't hurt. i'm still prayin', and thankful things are looking less "rocky"...

i can certainly appreciate the juxtaposition your encountered... we have a nice little (facetious here) nuke plant on the coast at San Onofre...

HUGS to you! Keep the positivity going, Lori.

Toni said...

Lori,
That's great news about your diagnosis! And I'm really enjoying your recent paintings :-). Take care.