Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Bucket List

Gulls by Lori Levin Gray Day Gulls
graphite sketch in moleskine

Sitting in my box of a car at the marina near Salem, I felt weary from the grayness of the day. My body still mending from all that it has been through seemed particulary angry and I couldn't get my mind off of it. I sketched the gulls that stared and me with what felt like menace. The bird in the center never took his eyes off my car. Perhaps he was planning the poop attack as punishment for my intrusion on his day. I just kept looking at him feeling cold and tired and wishing it was spring.

However, as I sketched I felt more in charge and somehow excited to add yet another page to my sketchbook. Each page seems like a little victory and one more thing to say I've seen and recorded. Sure these things don't seem huge in the grand scheme of things but to me they are. Though there are some places I'd like to say I've witnessed before my day comes but for the most part all I want is these little moments. Moments where I am really seeing things and feeling them are what I treasure most. They aren't always pleasant but usually they are. The best times include special people in my life. I'm not saying that I didn't appreciate my loved ones before but these days it feels different, perhaps more intense.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no saint. I bitch and moan like everyone else. The difference is that I know even those moments have purpose. They are calls to action or red flags for rest, if I'm paying attention. Those times are just part of living baby and living I am.

I feel lucky that I am experiencing life this way now. It didn't take me until I was 70 with only 6 months to live to do it. I don't need a "bucket list" to make up for lost time or to change my life. I'm crossing things off the list every day. Wow.

1 comment:

KleoPatra said...

Great post.

My mom, who is 74 and my best friend in the world, was just diagnosed with stage 4 non small cell adenocarcinoma today.

You give me hope. i hope she has your strength and energy...